he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
