My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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