On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
