Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
