he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize