you didnt know i had herpes?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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