Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
