Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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