Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
