We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
