You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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