I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
In other news, I just burned my penis
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
