I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We had to coat check the pizza.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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