"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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