that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
