i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
