cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
