my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
