Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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