you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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