Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
