yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
