today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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