I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
