Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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