You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
