It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize