I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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