I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
