he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
