Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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