I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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