Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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