Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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