you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
