I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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