your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
