my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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