I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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