That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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