I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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