I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
