did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
