she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
