I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
