I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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