She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Just high enough for therapy.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
