Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
