if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
God, I missed his penis.
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