Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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