i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
birth control should be required to get into college
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
