I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
i think my cat just said my name.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize