i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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