Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
