if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
