My cat gives me a boner
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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