Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
