I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
