why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
